TOXIC

I had a job interview yesterday. In the phone interview i had Saturday morning, the lady explained that yes it was selling, but it wasn't 'cold calling' and the commission id be able to make would be amazing. I'm well qualified enough for the job, and just thought

"You know what, I'm fed up of having nothing in the bank all the time!"

So i went for it. As soon as i was lead into the office, a wave of nausea hit me. I could smell fear!

Anyway sat throughout the interview and it just got worse, i could tell the woman interviewing me was a bitch, and i knew that shed end up upsetting me on lots of occasions. I sat in and listened to some calls being made. and i realised exactly what this job was. when me and the boy were looking for a house to rent, we signed up with a couple of agents, who offered this call back service. AND I WAS NEVER OFF THE PHONE! It was more or less harassment! So this is what i could be doing.... Also, i had to make at least 300 phone calls a day, and get at least 10 sales a day...

I don't know about you, but i just couldn't sleep at night knowing that people HATE ME!

anyway i shook her hand, thanked her for her time, and had to physically restrain myself from running like a big girl through the car park.

but when i got home, although I'm mentally saying goodbye to the Cath Kidston eiderdown i was planning to buy with my first pay cheque, i realised that actually, Ive found something out about myself. I always thought that give me enough money and i, or anyone would do anything. I now know that I'm not that kind of person, which is good, i suppose.

If they ring me, I'm getting the boy to answer the phone, I'm to scared to even decline an offer.. ill make him tell her I'm dead.

Step dads sending me his old digital camera to replace my broken one, so photos of bunnehs soon!


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Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

Textile art:Annie Bielecka

I’m not a visual artist

I cannot draw

I cannot experiment with colour

I have no flair

I don’t have a steady hand

I can’t transfer from the mind into something physical

I cannot be experimental

I’m not brave enough

I’m not an artist

I am an art appreciationist

I like what I like; there is no reason or rhyme behind it. It needs to make me feel something.

Sometimes I look at a piece of art, be it a painting, sculpture, arrangement or collage and it brings back memories of something. A Childs argument when I was 7 years old that brings back that same mixture of anger and fear I felt then. Or just something that encapsulates exactly how I felt for a particular 2 weeks one summer, years ago.

Whether it have been important or not, it stirs something in my brain, stirs and lifts, and if it wasn’t for that piece of art then the memory would have become fainter and hazy around the edges.

Some works of art stir up the memory of a feeling I don’t remember or even think I have had.
I don’t spend enough time with art, I don’t take the time to appreciate it enough. I used to wish I could create it. But now I’m happy enough just to admire it. So for art I am grateful.

LAZY!

I think i have some kind of condition. OCD combined with Chronic Laziness.

I start to itch and cant relax properly when the house is a mess. But guess what? Its always a mess, because of the chronic laziness! Thus resulting in anxiety due to living in a pigs sty but not doing anything about it because i can't be arsed, leading to more anxiety. So it goes on.

I cannot remember the last time i did washing. However i am reminded of it every time i go upstairs into the bedroom as the pile of clean washing is there staring at me, waiting to be put away. Instead of laying it in draws, hanging it up, it gets used when it needs to be used, and the stuff that gets left over (why do things always get washed that i haven't worn in years?) gets put back into the wash basket, cos, hey its easier than putting them away (ah, answered my own question..)

there is a pile dating back 6 months of letters on the kitchen table, that just get put into an ever expanding pile and moved round the house, I've read them, i just cant be bothered to turn around to the box file by the boiler and FILE THEM! When i do do this, i even congratulate myself, and that makes me feel that i have earned not to file for another few weeks.

don't get me started on washing up.. i don't. he does it.

Maybe I've not got an energy inducing diet? maybe that's it? but I'm to lazy to find out and buy energy inducing food. where does everyone else get their energy from, just to do the most simple of tasks?! like hanging up a coat..

I wish i had a beautiful clean tidy place to live, but I've started to think "what is the point?" Its not like anybody comes to visit, and when they do, then i clean. rare times.